The Bongo God

The Bongo God is Kevin Coello's final form; it is the form that he assumes whenever he exposes his belly and allows a bongo conduit (a role usually fulfilled by one Nicholas Scaprino) to rapidly, yet rhythmically slap it. Doing so unlocks Kevin's supererogatory chakras, allowing him to assume this deified and holy form.

In ancient times, The Bongo God was worshiped as a harbinger of both creation and destruction. By slapping his belly to Pony by Ginuwine, the Lemurians and the Atlantians were able to shape the very fabric of our planet, transforming the Earth's natural, cubic shape into that of a sphere, and imbuing its lands with life and intelligence. And by slapping his belly to Thong Song by Sisqo, they were able to destroy 15 of the Earth's 16 moons, and turn all Five Guys restaurants into White Castles.

Eventually, the ancients took The Bongo God's powers too far, and attempted to slap him while listening to the intro to Andy Cortez's 15 Seconds of Sports (which they had brought back to the past with the help of Marty McFly, as seen in episode 69 of the Back to the Future animated series). This caused Lemuria to crumble, Atlantis to sink beneath the waves, and the Bongo God to implode, leaving what remained of humanity to start again from scratch. Overtime, psychic echoes of The Bongo God caused humanity to gradually develop the lesser musical instrument known as the Bongo - and finally, after enough leftover burritos had been left in people's fridges overnight, The Bongo God himself was reincarnated in the form of Kevin Coello, who discovered that he could assume the deity's form during a failed attempt to initiate himself into a fraternity (long story).

All that to say: there are so many other, better things you could have read today, and instead you chose to read this.